NAMI Michigan

Zach Edgerton is one of two NAMI Michigan Consumer Council Co-Alternate Representatives. He lives in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

 

 

The Road to Recovery

By Zach Edgerton

 

As I look back now, I recall that as a child I had various interests that were obsessive in nature.  Having these interests did not make them obsessive; what made them obsessive was they preoccupied me the majority of the time.  One of the reasons they took up so much time is when I would read something, I would doubt my comprehension of what I read; thus, I felt this compelling demand to read it over again.  Each time that I would read it over again, I would feel this temporary satisfaction that I knew what I read.  But very soon after, I would feel like I needed to reread it again.  I didn’t know why I felt the need to read it over and over again, as I assumed it was a problem with my memory: I was confused.  At the time, I didn’t recognize it as a problem.

 As a child, my interests were rarely social. I was in my own world, oblivious to social norms. From an early age up until high school, I was bullied by other kids.  I think it was because I wasn’t friendly and didn’t get along with others.  I believe they sensed I was somehow different. Throughout the entire time, I didn’t tell anyone.

 The confusion and difficulties only grew greater.  When I was in middle school, I remember beginning to become aware of sounds and things around me most of the other people around me were unaware of.  What is more, I thought these sounds were messages directed to me from other people.  This delusional thinking had a lot to do with how I was bullied; I thought people thought ill of me.  As I look back, I recognize this as symptoms of paranoia.  People around me sensed there was something wrong, but I denied it.  When I finally told my mom what I was experiencing, she arranged for me to see a counselor.

 When I was a freshman in high school, I joined the football and track teams.  It was then my peers began to view me differently.  I became respected and even somewhat popular.  Despite this, I welcomed this change, it inspired much confusion and a question of my identity.

 This contradictory identity crisis only fed my paranoia; I didn’t know how to handle success.  I remember getting a successful report card as a junior in high school, and tearing it up and throwing it away, because I was afraid my peers would think ill of me if they found out about my good grades.  My mom and my counselor challenged these ideas, but I couldn’t seem to recognize the ideas were illogical.

 The paranoia progressed.  The sounds I interpreted as meaning things in middle school came back with a vengeance.  I truly felt people were communicating with me negatively through random incidences that would happen around me; for example, a closing door or a sound of a car on the road.  In addition, I began to self torture myself, because I felt if I tortured myself, people would have sympathy towards me and not try to hurt me.  I believed this was true, and I hid that I was doing this from people, because I knew that if my mother and others who also cared about me knew, they would try to put a stop to it.

 I became so paranoid I lashed out at someone violently, which was my first psychotic episode. I was hospitalized for over a month.  I returned from the hospital to resume my life as a high school student, but three months later I was hospitalized again, also for over a month.  Through both hospitalizations, the doctors put me on various medications with acute side effects; I could barely keep my head up because I was very tired.  When my mother came to visit me, I could barely interact with her.  It was at the end of my second hospitalization I was diagnosed as with Schizophrenia and remained on various medications with detrimental side effects.  It was a very scary and emotionally painful experience.

 After I had returned from my second hospitalization, I was required to see a psychiatrist as well as a counselor.  I was tutored and eventually graduated from high school, but the trauma of the hospital and the diagnosis remained.  It was at this time I began to have doubting issues, where I would feel the need to double check things, because if I didn’t I would feel anxious.  This was very similar to the doubting I had as a child.  Much of the sources of this anxiety were worries or obsessions, and thus I would perform compulsions to ease the anxiety.  As this behavior continued, my psychiatrist diagnosed me with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, in addition to Schizophrenia.

 Though I didn’t recognize I had OCD at this at the time, I was scared.  Because of this fear, I went into denial.  I would refuse to go to my appointments and would act belligerent towards my therapists and mother.  The only option my therapy team could come up with was to temporarily place me in an AFC home.  In the AFC home, I was forced to cooperate with the therapy team, and was required to attend therapy sessions.  It was also then I was introduced to exposure therapy.  The therapy team exposed me to my obsessions and restricted me from performing rituals or compulsions.  At the time, it seemed that my Schizophrenia took the backseat to OCD.

 It was a long and difficult process, but when I returned home I had changed. I was no longer in denial and I started to take my therapy seriously.  During this time, my Schizophrenia was also monitored, and I was on the right medications.

 I was accepted at Michigan Technological University, and seven years later I was able to graduate with a degree in Communications.  I couldn’t have accomplished this without my medications, my inner drive to have a high quality of life, and the support and encouragement of my mother, my counselor, and my friends.

 Because of my experience with mental illness and my education, I now knew I could help other people on their road to recovery.  Through my counseling with mental health, my mother and I were introduced to NAMI; National Alliance on Mental Illness.  NAMI is an organization with members who either have mental illness or know someone with mental illness.  After being introduced to NAMI, my mother and I began going to NAMI meetings.

 I was attracted to NAMI because of the support and advocacy the members give to one another. I recognized the importance of this, because it has been vital to my recovery.  After joining NAMI, I found out it offered support groups for people with mental illness, and the groups were facilitated by people in recovery of mental illness. The requirements of being a facilitator were you had to be a consumer and had to attend a three day training.  I was interested in the prospect of becoming a facilitator, because of my background in communications, the fact I had hands on experience with mental illness, and the fact I love to help people.  Eventually I became a licensed facilitator.  Similar to my education at Tech, I gained much confidence from it.

 I have been a support group facilitator for well over a year now.  It has been an awarding experience, because I have been able to help the members in the group and they are able to help me.  We feel less alone, because we meet other people who also carry the burden of mental illness.  The support and advocacy provided in these groups is a mutual benefit to all group members.  This peer to peer interaction has proven to be a significant factor in our roads to recovery.

Because everyone in NAMI has experience with mental illness, there is no stigma or prejudice on mental illness that is often found in the world.  This offers great opportunity for careers in NAMI for people with mental illness, because there will be no discrimination inside the NAMI organization; NAMI offers career assistance for people with mental illness.  Outside of career opportunities, NAMI is a path to activities like support groups that provide people who have mental illness with confidence, self esteem, purpose, and a since of belonging.

 In addition, I have now been trained to train people to be facilitators. Being with NAMI has provided me with much inspiration and security for my future.  Also, I attended an In Our Own Voice, which trains people with mental illness to speak in front of people about their situations, and inspires them that recovery is possible.

 Mental illness is a life long condition.  However, with counseling, support, encouragement, advocacy, medication, and a strong work ethic, it doesn’t have to be as debilitating.  I am at the point in my road to recovery where my therapy will only consist of seeing a psychiatrist for med checks.  I have learned and applied all the skills taught to me through counseling.

 For example, OCD is an illness best dealt with through counseling, work ethic, and experience, in addition to proper medications.  I use the example of the compulsions of wanting to reread or double check something: Through counseling, I have learned to apply the logic and worst case scenario techniques to my impulsive inducing compulsions.  With the logic technique, I remind myself I don’t need to reread something over again or double check something.  I know what I read or checked, and the desire to reread it or check it again is my illness.  Sometimes logic may not be sufficient, in which case I use the worst case scenario; it won’t be the end of the world if I didn’t read something right the first time.  Or, if I misplace something or lose something, I can replace it or cope with the consequences. 

 Often, the initial OCD worries or symptoms can help you deal with the more difficult ones.  I use the examples of fears I have had that I may have broken something or said something inappropriate to someone.  Even though these worries may result in something more consequential, I remind myself they are also my illness, and not reality.  This is an example of the benefits of been exposed to OCD.  Exposure teaches those of us that suffer with OCD that I have dealt with it before and I got through it.  Eventually, this exposure results in a more relaxed and confident state of mind.  In fact, learning how to relax and succeeding at it is what I am doing now at my state of recovery.

 It is important to distinguish between an obsession and a compulsion.  With OCD, it isn’t so much that you have the obsession, or worry, but how you handle the compulsive impulse.  Resisting the compulsive impulse is what is most important.  However, through time, the obsessive thoughts can become less frequent as well, because you worry less.

 In addition to exposure and recognition, it helps to set realistic goals for yourself.  I know from experience when you expect perfection from yourself, you will only get nervous and disappoint yourself; for me, this perfectionism has been a symptom of my OCD.  You don’t have to win every battle to win the war.  If you stumble and give in, pick yourself up and get back on the road to recovery.  It is never too late!

 Usually, if I am coping with OCD well, I usually am coping well with Schizophrenia also; and vice-versa.  With Schizophrenia, I practice self talk.  If I think someone is conspiring against me or making unpleasant things happen around me, I remind myself this is my illness and it isn’t true, just as I do with my OCD.  Medication helps as well, but those of us with Schizophrenia must also have a prime work ethic to get better.  

I mentioned earlier my confusion about who I was. This has clearly been an environmental trigger for my illness.  But the fact is, even people without mental illness deal with this.  As time goes on, you will discover yourself.  And with proper therapy, you can overcome the pain of this confusion as well.

 I have found the struggles I have had with mental illness have equipped me with the strength to cope with other hardships in life.  Those of us with mental illness have a wisdom and experience other people often do not.  In addition to my therapy, experience, work ethic, mother, friends, and my faith has also helped a great deal.  There is a plan for all of us, and dealing with our difficulties often not only result in our acquired wisdom, but character and courage as well.  Character and courage are often proven when we deal with obstacles.

 I would recommend to anyone with mental illness to get involved.  Join NAMI or use your pain to help other people.  You can develop self esteem and make connections such as careers and friendship.  When given lemons, make lemonade.  I look forward to my future, and I feel everything has fallen into place.  

Remember, mental illness is a physical illness, like diabetes or heart disease.  It doesn’t make us inferior.  We deserve respect and a great future.  Never give up!

 

 

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